Updated: Apr 28, 2020
"They say that every society is three meals away from revolution." - Leon Trotsky (probably)
The coronavirus has swept across the globe, toppling socio-economic structures, panic buying has left supermarkets barren. Finally, after years of training on the sofa with apocalyptic Netflix series the chosen few are ready to rise. The stage is set for humanities last stand, as we know from our training, any last stand worth its shotgun shells needs an EPIC-ULTIMATE-LAST-STAND-SOUNDTRACK (skip to the end to listen to the full YouTube playlist)! Come get some...
Your first thoughts should be with getting some SHELTER.
We need to get to higher ground and establish a stronghold: a bunker, a tree, a high tower block, a shopping trolley, you should choose your stronghold wisely, you may be there some time.
Maybe, under the hills is better than on top of them, into the sewers SURVIVORS!
Keep your spirits high, you must believe that no monkey rage, corona zombie has what it takes to take you down. Be heroic, don't fear the reaper.
Maintain vigilant surveillance of the 'above ground' for approaching hordes. You may need to pop your head above the parapet and scope your surroundings.
You should always have a planned escape route, preferably with an epic form of transport.
The apocalypse diet doesn't include food delivered by scooter, you may find that you have to compromise and munch on some pretty funky scraps.
But, what if it turns out this really is some form of deity-based judgement?
You mean...the gates of hell have opened, the dark army approaches, hungering for roasted parts most delicate???
Hang on, what's that scratching sound and low moan coming from behind the barricades. They've found us...time to tool up.
"If I'm going down, I'm taking one of you with me! It's just the way I fall." - Spudgun
It's time for the last stand comrades *pumps shotgun* In the name of the Father, the Son and David Bowie, I unburden you of your face.
Get that apocalypse parkour! Out of shells? No worries, I spent my teens watching WWF, TOP ROPE!
Make sure you make constant witty quips while despatching the infected or at the very least, scream like a banshee.
"Hey deadhead, take a bite of peach." - Tim
As the smoke dissipates, you survey the surrounding carnage and find yourself to be the last person standing. Netflix trained you well, but how do these shows usually end? You scratch your head with your empty shotgun as a silhouette staggers up behind you.
LISTEN to the full Apocalypse survival playlist here
Let us know what we missed.