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Amazon's 5 star customer comedy

Updated: Dec 30, 2019

Amazon has been filling our lives with cardboard for some time now, from a spontaneous yerba mate gourd purchase at 4am to that essential headband...with mullet attached

However, there is more to the giant online tat bazaar than inconsequential click purchasing. The reviews also draw a crowd, sometimes useful, sometimes bitter, often hilarious. Amazon became aware some customers weren’t taking their feedback duties seriously and dedicated a page of their site to ‘funniest reviews.’ Here’s a selection of customer comedy worth 5 stars.

"I love emailing the Highway patrol while I drive to let them know the tag numbers of cell phone using drivers." - Min Byong Chang

"I was a little disappointed when I first bought this item, because the functionality is limited. My 5 year old son pointed out that the passenger's shoes cannot be removed. Then, we placed a deadly fingernail file underneath the passenger's scarf, and neither the detector doorway nor the security wand picked it up. My son said that's the worst security ever!. But it turned out to be okay, because when the passenger got on the Playmobil B757 and tried to hijack it, she was mobbed by a couple of other heroic passengers, who only sustained minor injuries in the scuffle, which were treated at the Playmobil Hospital. The best thing about this product is that it teaches kids about the realities of living in a high-surveillence society. My son said he wants the Playmobil Neighborhood Surveillence System set for Christmas. I've heard that the CC TV cameras on that thing are pretty worthless in terms of quality and motion detection, so I think I'll get him the Playmobil Abu-Gharib Interogation Set instead (it comes with a cute little memo from George Bush)." - loosenut

Uranium Ore by Images SI Inc.

"I was very disappointed to have my uranium confiscated at the airport. It was a gift for my son for his birthday. Also, I'm in prison now, so that's not good either." - C.A. Lankford

"I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty." - Patrick J. McGovern

"It's not big enough to completely cover a horse's head, and it doesn't provide enough air

flow for them, either." - Selig7

"By wearing this mask, I was able to get anything and everything I needed. Plenty of hay, lots of time to run and, best of all, I no longer have to wear pants."

- T. C. Zimmermann

"It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways."

- ByronicHero

How to Avoid Huge Ships by John W. Trimmer

"I read this book before going on vacation and I couldn't find my cruise liner in the port. Vacation ruined." - Dan

"Found this stuck into a stone while on vacation. I'm impressed with it, generally. Unfortunately, it turns out that removing it made me the new king of Switzerland, which is a lot of responsibility.”

- MechYeti

"I was tired of getting hit on by beautiful women every time I went out in public, and then I bought this jacket. Problem solved." - C. Mangan

"Whenever I display my encyclopedic knowledge of Star Wars to my friends, they respond with ‘Want a medal?’ Well you know what? Since I bought this item, I already have one."

- rcf1105

"I used to be an unemployed movie theater usher, but that all changed when I bought this jacket. Now I'm an unemployed movie theater usher with one of these jackets."

- G

UFO-02 Detector by Images SI Inc.

"I don't know if this is a scam or if mine was broken, but it doesn't work and I am still getting abducted by UFO's on a regular basis."

- Cyphis

"I, as a resonable and trUstworthy hUman, do not gleep nerp this ungood prodUct. Bad it is for Us hUmans to purchase and opperate this online pUrchasable prodUct."

- A Trustworthy Human

The Daddle by Cashe

"Please note that this Daddle is Western Style and will not be appropriate for those trained in the English Father Riding Method."

- Wandrwoman

"Should not be sold without severe warning. After a long day of being ridden by my children, I was grazing on some nearby greens when my daughter dropped a dish on the ground. It broke and the noise of it spooked me, causing me to rear back and kick my son in the head..."

- Patrick

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